coincidence?

Life is not always easy; it was not meant to be so. It's a time of testing and proving. We learn to handle disappointment and sorrow, which in turn builds character and increases our compassion for others.
THis is a quote taken from Kandace's blog and dang, she is must either be a fortune teller, a genius or she's MEGA into the Spirit today. lol. Scary how she can read my mind, speak with a force that cuts right into my soul. yeh Kandace's WOW I call it. But its such a coincidence because this is exactly what I was thinking about this week! Creepily Cool Non? And it kinda ties into the theme that I have been refering to. Perspective and change.

Failure was a word that NEVER existed in my dictionary. I hated that word, condemned it, and banned it from ever being used whenever I was prepping my team for a competition. I have ran a few good races, burned all competition away. We have sang some good songs, blew the audience away. I have won debates and best speaker awards, chewed up my opponents and spat them out again after I was done with them. No mercy. No failure. Ever. But then recently I reaxamined my life...

My childhood friends inactive from church. Deacon's president, Teacher's president, and most importantly friend. And I didnt manage to do a thing. Didnt manage to change a friggin thing. Failed.

Chibi. Had/has boyfriend problems and of course! lol. I am the best one to ask...Havnt managed to help her out much. Havnt been able to be there when she needed. Havnt managed to find the courage to introduce the Gospel to her. Failed.

And now. Matt Sears and a whole load of other people. Friends who have helped me out countless times. Friends who have pulled me up when I was down. Friends whom I promised. Promised that no matter when, no matter where, no matter what, if they needed help, I would be there to help them solve whatever troubles they were facing. THey have helped me, I havnt managed to help them at all. Failed.

And when it comes to my role as a son and a brother. Gosh lets not even get started on that.

Why cant God be more direct. Why cant he tell me that:"Hey, this is what would get Max to want to come to church again" or "Yo, Coryne likes this, she needs that and you can help her with this. It would make you a better friend." Why cant he tell me exactly what I can and need to do to fulfill my responsibilities and callings.

Failure is in my life more that I cared to imagine. And this is where Kandace's qoute strikes me hard.
Life is not always easy; it was not meant to be so. It's a time of testing and proving. We learn to handle disappointment and sorrow, which in turn builds character and increases our compassion for others.

I guess that failure might be a part of life of life that i have to go through. Its part of the process of falling down, picking ourselves up and learning from that fall. Its a humbling experiece that makes us more relient and grateful to God. Its not necessarily a bad thing. Dont get me wrong its not that I was proud. I attributed EVERYTHING to God. Thanked Him for ALL I have. But shoot me. Because something like this was mentioned in my patriachal blessing. Something along the lines that I will learn from experiences that would not be too hard, to be humble and to learn how to serve my fellow men to the fullest, to know how to fulfill my calling. Its not the exact wording but its the general idea.
I guess failure IS needed. A certain degree of it anyway. Its not going to be easy. Its going to be pain. Disappointment and sorrow.

Nobody knows what I am going through. I am literally wrecked with mental torment over my failures. My inability to magnify my church callings. My patheticness as a friend. My failings as a son and a brother. THey say character takes time to build as you go through the refiner's fire. This fire sure hurts. Bad. But I know. I must trust that its for my good.

Remember how I talked about the people who bring about change? The REAAALLY successful ones, you call them Presidents and Nobel Prize winners. Obama, Ghandi, MArtin Luther King Jr. THe unsuccessful ones, you call them terrorists and psychopaths. Osama, Bush etc. (yeah I like my little joke.) At the end of the day what am I? I fear I am more a psychopath. I have failed in my goal to change. And well, perhaps the sooner I stop trying to, the better things might become. Gosh how I've messed up and failed. I should close this chapter of my life.
but whatever the case, to those who have changed me, you are more than Presidents and Nobel Prize winners to me.
and as kandace says, sank you x)